The following article by Torkom Saraydarian offers invaluable relation tips on how men can build better rapport with women. Here too, laughter is an important part of the solution. In Torkom’s words “If the couple participates in fun activities and plays various games together, they fuse their hearts, and their problems are easier to resolve.” Most of our social problems, upheavals and troubles originate from unhappy relationships between men and women.
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The ancient mystery schools stipulated that a man could not be a teacher until he held the keys to all the doors of the female psyche. This was a sign of increased sensitivity and mastery of himself. In learning to understand woman, man becomes complete. Woman, by contrast, is usually complete if she has not abused herself by trying to be like a man.
Men must learn about the nature of the “locks” in a woman and about the proper key to use for each. Whenever a man uses the wrong key not only does he damage the lock in the woman, but he also brings upon himself added difficulty because in the future he will have to spend extra labor and energy to open that damaged lock. On the other hand, if a man can use the right keys to a woman’s locks, he releases a great stream of healing energies from her. It is a released woman who brings the highest-level children to the world, as a response to the one who understood her.
Many men became great because they were married to women who helped them achieve that greatness. Their wives stood behind them, encouraged them, sacrificed and labored to bring out the best in them. They became real men. Such men have said, “Without my wife, I could not have done what I did.” Conversely, if a man loses the respect of his wife because of his own lack of virtue and striving, he also loses strength physically, emotionally, and mentally. When a man is deprived like this, his business gets worse, his social relationships suffer, and he acts like a child with his temper, tirades, and nasty deeds. Then his wife rejects him even more because she does not need another child to care for.
Most men like a woman who is either just like their mother or just the opposite of their mother. This is an automatic or mechanical response. Either they want a woman who loves and kisses them and reminds them of the complete, unconditional love their mothers gave them, or, if they hated their mother, they want someone who is just the opposite of her, who in no way resembles anything about her.
If a man marries a woman who is just like his mother, he falls into the danger of playing the child’s role. She becomes his mother, and he obeys her to the last degree. Such a man feels unfulfilled if his wife does not act like his mother. This can be destructive to the marriage because the wife, seeing that her husband is not growing, may develop resistance and resentment toward raising a child when she had thought she married a man. That wife will start doing many things to make her husband stand on his own feet. She will create many problems and difficulties for her husband until he stands up and acts like a man.
A woman is a man’s greatest asset in this world if the relationship is correct. A woman will encourage her husband, she will sacrifice herself for him, and at the most critical times in a man’s life, she will be the one to reach out, grasp his hand and pull him up. She will give him spiritual power and everything that he needs. For these reasons a man should learn to understand women and how to relate to them beautifully.
Woman has the ability to bring out the best that is in man. She evokes from man the best that he is. Men must be grateful to women who do this.
Woman is a challenger. Often if a man makes a decision to do something and then does not do it, she shows him in some way that she thinks he is weak. She may even leave him. Then the man may use the psychology of blaming her and say, “She wanted me to do it, and when I did not, she left.” He forgets that he made a decision, a promise. When he did not adhere to his decision or keep his promise, she saw in him an inferior man, and she did not need an inferior man. If a man makes a promise he must keep it; otherwise, he should not promise. A woman wants a man who keeps his word. … A man should value his wife as the highest thing in his life — higher than his business or other interests. A man’s wife is his honor and the source of his joy, inspiration, energy, food, and health. She is the mother of his children. A man must sacrifice for her. Whenever he is with her, he must forget all his outside interests and give her his full attention.
A woman wants her husband to be kingly; she wants to see him as noble, great, and victorious. If a man has dignity and inner worth, a woman will respect him. A woman wants her husband to be right in all his ideas, decisions, and actions because he is her pride. If she sees he is really valueless, it becomes almost like suicide for her because her dream and pride are gone. … A real man is a man who provides security for his wife on all levels: physical, emotional, mental, moral, and spiritual. To provide moral security means that the man must not act in a way that creates even suspicion in the mind of his wife. Suspicious telephone calls, suspicious letters, appointments, and interviews all throw a woman off balance. She feels that she is losing her security. It is very important for a woman to have security on all levels.
A woman has spiritual security when she feels that her husband or her fiance has a great vision toward which he is striving. A man striving to accomplish a great goal is a tremendous source of security for a woman. She cannot be her best self without that vision. When she sees that her highest vision is manifested in her man by his striving, then she feels secure.
Woman has security when her space is not limited.
Vision in her man expands her space; lack of vision in her man limits her space. Woman needs the sense of space she gets from man: physical space in the form of prosperity, money, furniture, and property; emotional and mental space from a husband who really knows and understands things; spiritual space allows a woman to develop her potential as far as possible. As much space as a man gives to his wife, so much does she grow and increase in beauty, goodness, and wisdom.
A real man evokes a spirit of striving from his wife or girlfriend. For example, if she is going to college, he will challenge her to continue her education and earn a doctorate. If she is painting, he will challenge her to create more and do better. Anything that she already has must be developed further as a result of the encouragement and inspiration of the man. Women must continually develop and expand their abilities, or else they become negative. If a man does not want to be married to a nagging, vicious woman, then he must continually encourage and inspire her to develop her talents and abilities. And the woman will be delighted that her husband or boyfriend is a source of courage and inspiration.
When a man presents a vision or a goal to his wife or girlfriend, it must not be given as an order. It is a goal. The man must understand what the woman already wants to work toward before he presents his vision. Then before he states any goal, he must be 100 percent sure that the Woman will like the goal. He must know what her thoughts and her dreams are, put them into a practical format of goals to achieve, and then verbalize the goals as something that the two of them can achieve together.
When a vision is presented by a man in this manner, the woman will put all her efforts into achieving it. Being presented with goals that she loves, the woman will be polarized toward those goals and will orient her whole sense of economy toward fulfilling them. She will not waste money. She will not waste time. She will become more organized and efficient. She will be up-to-date because of the vision.
Through the vision and goal, the man brings the woman’s inner urges, drives, and dreams into objective verbalization. This is how men become close to their women. … If a man makes a right decision, his wife will carry it out immediately. A real man makes right decisions, and his wife loves it. Women hate wrong decisions and being forced to follow falseness. When a man says to his wife, “The political situation is going to go like this, I tell you,” and then he is proved wrong, his wife feels he does not have his information straight and so does not have the right to make political decisions. Women do not like men who just talk from their egos to seem important.
If a woman feels that a man is using his money, his position, his job, or his knowledge to suppress or humiliate her, she will hate all that he has and is. The same thing is true for a man if a woman tries to impress her superiority on him. If, for example, a woman says to a man, “You are only making $10,000 a year, but I am making $80,000,” that man will feel humiliated and angry.
A woman adores a man who has a sense of responsibility, who takes care of her and the children and concerns himself with their health and welfare. For example, if one of the children needs his teeth worked on and the husband says to his wife, “You deal with it; I am busy,” he is not showing responsibility. If his wife is worrying or if she is sick, the man must not ignore it. He must take care of it. When the woman knows that her husband is taking care of her with genuine concern, she will worry less and be healthier.
A woman really respects a man who follows through on his decisions and is not influenced by the bribery, flattery, or flirtations of other women. Since women are, in their deepest nature, pro-survival, they do not want their husbands to be unfaithful. They know that little things lead to big things. They sense very strongly when something is going to go wrong. For example, I know a man who was married very happily to a beautiful woman and they had three children. The man hired a new secretary, but his wife was not happy about it. She told her husband that she thought the secretary was going to go after him.
The husband said, “No, there’s no chance of that.” After several such exchanges, the wife finally stopped talking about it. Then one day she told her husband to be very careful. “I don’t like the feel of it. Something is wrong,” she said to him. Her husband still said there was nothing. “I am warning you,” she replied.
Three months later the secretary was pregnant by the married man. He went to his wife and cried, “Please forgive me!” “No,” she said. “I warned you ten months ago. It’s too late now. Go and marry her.” Look how complicated things became because the man did not listen to his wife. A woman’s instinct can keep a man out of trouble. She knows when something is going wrong and when her man is playing with fire and does not know that he is going to hurt himself. In such cases, if men are very honest and righteous with themselves, they will see that they were the ones who planted the seeds of the problems in their relationships. … When a married man fools around and chases other women, he may still be interested in coming back to his wife. But when a wife develops an interest in another man, she almost never comes back to her husband. Women really love, and they really hate. They commit themselves.
A man must understand the commitment of a woman. If he does not, he will have serious trouble in his marriage.
For many men, love equals sex and not much else. But for women, love is a combination of sex, sensuality, games, intellect, spirit, dreams, visions, and goals. Man’s downfall is his failure to understand women. Women stand for lovingness, tenderness, and touch, but men think women want sex in the same way they do. Women are more sane about sex than men because women are naturally subject to sexual cycles. They have cyclic mechanisms which men do not have.
Men who are focused in their sex centers instead of their head centers think that women exist mainly for sex. Women are not usually concentrated in sex that way. Woman is heart. Woman is beauty. Woman is tenderness. Woman is compassion. If men approach women through their hearts and through beauty, they will make them even more beautiful. In return, the women will then regenerate the lives of the men, the families, and the society.
If a woman cannot admire a man, she wants to be rid of him. In some way, every man must make his wife or girlfriend admire him. She must admire his physical body, his way of dressing, the way he talks, the way he looks, the work he does, the way he relates to others, or the ideas he expresses. When she does not find anything to admire in him, he becomes dead for her. It is only admiration that ties the woman to the man. Once she admires something in her husband, he will never lose her. Even if she goes away for a time, she will come back because admiration is magnetic.
A man’s honesty can be admired. If, for instance, everybody except one man lies about what went on in a certain situation and that one man stands for the truth, tells what really occurred, and does the right thing, women will admire him. When a woman sees that a man is righteous, she develops admiration for him.
If a man is courageous, a woman will admire him, even if he is ugly and poor. For example, if a man saves the life of a neighbor in a very courageous way, any woman who saw him do it will admire him and give her heart to him.
Admiration offers the only solution to many problems. When a woman admires a man, she will give or sacrifice almost everything to make him even greater or to fulfill his visions. A man cannot gain her admiration, however, by artificial means. The woman will despise him and recognize it if he tries to trap her with false methods.
Women stand for life and for the deeper values of life. For them money, position in society, and whatever is going on in the world have no value if their men do not also stand for life and the increase of life’s beauty. If a man shows his wife that one hundred dollars is more important to him than spending some time with her, he is going to lose her. His wife will say, “I didn’t marry your business. I married you.” If she feels that her husband is married to the business and not to her, she will not share herself with him. She will not give him pleasure and joy. Rather, she will eventually drain him in many ways and make him sick.
If a couple has a family, the wife wants her husband to be an example of nobility to their children. That is a high priority in the psychology of a mother. Moreover, it is absolutely criminal for a man to insult his wife in front of the children. She must maintain a beautiful mother image for the children, and her husband must not distort it in their minds.
Men should never say negative things to a woman, such as, “You failed!” or, “You are all wrong,” “You are ugly,” or “You are stupid.” A woman’s imagination is so strong that whatever is told to her stays in her mind. … A man must always direct attention to the jewel inside the woman, never to her wrong behavior or her weaknesses.
Whatever is concentrated upon will increase. If a man concentrates on the beauty of a woman, she will dress very beautifully. But if he tells her that he does not like her dress, the next time she will dress worse just to make him angry and to get even with him because of his criticism.
Both partners in a marriage can bring out the best in each other if they concentrate upon the beauty in the other, if they seek out the jewel in each. If one partner does something wrong, the other partner should try to speak only about the good the other has done or about beautiful qualities he or she has. Most of the time people are aware when they have done wrong; often their wrongdoings are actually reactions to or revenge taken for something done by their partner. Thus they only become more irritated when their wrong is pointed out to them.
An emotionally-oriented woman can take great pleasure from talking and gossiping about others. But if she sees a man gossiping, she thinks he is weak and inferior. She wants her husband to be magnanimous and filled with solemnity. She does not want him to gossip because it lowers his prestige. A woman wants her man to be on a higher level.
Emotionally-focused women like to gossip because it makes them feel more secure. A woman wants her husband to realize how beautiful or great she is in comparison to others. Other women may do stupid or negative things, but she wants her husband to know that she is not like that. Other women may be having affairs, but she is not. This is what she hopes to convey to her husband by gossiping. All she wants is to be accepted; gossip is one method she uses to make her husband or boyfriend accept her.
If a woman is gossiping around her husband, he should listen but not make judgments. He should not take sides with her or against her, but he does need to listen; otherwise, he is not showing her respect. He can ask her questions that will not insult her but will bring her to her senses. For example, he can ask, “Do you think it actually happened like that? Or is somebody misleading or misrepresenting the case?” Or, “Honey, do you really know why she did that? Maybe she had good reasons That you don’t know about.” The husband should bring his wife from the emotional level to the mental level. When she is brought to the mental level, she will stop gossiping.
The man in a relationship tends to lie more easily than the woman. Women hate lies. A man will say, “Honey, I love you,” when he really does not. He may say, “Honey, I will be with you forever,” and then in the meantime go out with other women. Men run into trouble when they lie to women because women sense when men lie.
Women are less likely to lie than men. If a man checks himself, he will see that for every two lies his wife or girlfriend tells, he tells two hundred. I think a man has a greater tendency to lie because of his insecurity about women. If a man feels sure that a woman is really going to stay with him, he will not lie to her. But if he feels that he may lose her at any time, he lies to try to hold her.
One day a man came to me and said, “My wife is getting colder and colder. Something is wrong. I think she loves somebody else.” “I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t think that’s why she is cold. What is happening in your life?” He said, “My wife is working and making $1,000 monthly, and I am making $3,000 monthly. But I am telling her that I am only making half that and that we must spend all her money on the bills. I am saving the other half of my money for what I want to do. But my wife never asks what happened to the rest of my money.” I said, “She is giving you rope to hang yourself.
Already she has decided that you are a liar and that you are unjust. If she were shouting at you, there would be no danger, but if she is not shouting or scolding you, she has become dangerous. If she is not shouting and is saying nothing at all, then she is already making plans.” In another instance, a young man came to me about a girl and said, “I can’t win her heart.” I asked him what he was doing to attract her. He said, “I told her that I am the president of a big company and that my salary is $80,000 a year. I said that everybody respects me, loves me, and all the women are crazy for me. But she hates me.” I told him, “That’s because she knows you are lying.
A lying man has no prestige in a woman’s eyes. Women think you are a coward when you lie. Women like fearless men.” A man must be direct when he talks to a woman. He must say, “Hey, I did this. I am sorry. I don’t like what I did.” But he must be truly sorry when he says that. If he is playing a game with her, the woman will know it and say, “Yeah, you are telling me you are sorry so that you can bribe me.” What women value the most in a man are those virtues and strengths about which he does not boast. If a man says, “Look what muscles I have!” the woman will despise him because of his boasting. If he never talks about his strong muscles, the woman will say to him, “You have such strength!” The woman must be allowed to point out the valuable aspects of a man; he should not point them out to her. If he does, she will not like him.
Neither husband nor wife should speak excessively if they want to impress their partner, especially when they are with others. In the presence of others, each partner stands as a guard for the other, making sure he or she always acts nobly and in a manner fitting to the occasion.
Any time men and women become too critical of each other, trouble brews. Instead of criticizing each other, they should play games. Games are so important. Unfortunately most men and women have become “grown-ups,” but they would get along better if they had not “grown up.” A couple should become like children and play with each other; they should run and do fun things together. Most men come home from work, eat dinner, turn on the television set, and then go to bed with their wives. That is just what the wife hates because she does not stand for sexuality; she stands for sensuality and for games. The man who really knows how to play games makes the most successful husband. If the man plays with his children just like a child, the woman is delighted. If the couple participates in fun activities and plays various games together, they fuse their hearts, and their problems are easier to resolve.
My Father loved to play games. I remember when he wanted to awaken me in the morning, he did not say, “Get up! It’s time to go. You are late! Come on!” Instead he would come in singing like a bird. He would do that sort of thing with my Mother also. When they were forty or fifty years old, they would still run after each other, playing games. People think games are for children.
Games are not just for children. A game is a psychological tool to create contact and rapport on all levels — physical, emotional, and mental.
In one life or another, every person must enter the “university” of marriage and start testing his or her nature and developing higher qualities. The “classes” are difficult, but they can teach men and women how to become higher level human beings.